Sometimes understanding our own feelings is a real problem. Sometimes you just can’t identify clearly how you feel. And that’s alright. It sucks, but it’s alright. One of my biggest sources of trouble is that I tend to overthink things. That I tend to think about what will happen next, almost immediately, instead of just enjoying the present moment. Unconsciously I go straight to the next level, instead of owning the very moment. My mind starts to create vivid scenarios about all the possible outcomes. And here comes the killer of all the possible good things waiting for me: the “what if..?”. When this question pops up in my mind, I know I’m on the wrong way. I know I have to work on myself. I know I have to work on my thoughts – to have them under control. Because instead of just flowing with the wonderful unpredictability of the moment, my uncontrolled thoughts try to prove that it’s possible to swim upstream. Whereas of course they are not getting anywhere, just helplessly flailing their arms.
As much as I love spontaneity, as much I do love the precise planned out order of things, events. I am a paradox myself.
I would like to just go with the flow, no matter where it takes me, while I would like to swim with my own tempo towards the direction, which is more familiar to me. But as I often like to quote: “the world is not a wish-granting factory”.
That in the end which harbor will be better for me – is something unpredictable. Perhaps the place that I want to swim to; the one where I want my flow to take me, is good.. But there’s always the possibility of the other unknown place being even better. But I can only figure that out, if I let myself flow. There is the alternative, that it will be worse and I gave up on the secure good one. It’s like when you are on an exam and have to choose one paper (=one theme/thesis), but of course they are upturned. There is no distinguishing sign or divine inspiration indicating which is the one that you know by heart, and which is the one you didn’t really studied for. You just pick one. And you hope – God, you hope it so damn bad -, that you will pass the exam.