What are you feeling right now?
I asked myself. Actually writing about this wasn’t planned, it only supposed to be some kind of warm-up exercise for writing (this is what I usually do when I don’t know what to write about, some kind of brainstorming), but then it turned into an actual post. A post about what I feel. Like for real. And this way I got the idea of a new “series” on the blog – In The Mirror posts. Where I hold a mirror to myself with all that I put down.
The strange thing about this is that when I asked myself this question, the first thoughts that came to my mind were the bad things, the negative thoughts or things that I couldn’t necessarily influence or control. If somebody would read my answers without any explanation, he/she would think: ouch, there must be something wrong with you, girl. But actually there’s nothing wrong. Everything is fine with me. Things have never been better on Veroniland.
This is actually a very good way of self-examination, asking yourself this and similar simple questions: What do you want? What do you need? What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid of that? The answers can often surprise even ourselves, if we are totally honest. I was surprised too, because in the moment I feel, think and experience more of the good stuff, however, they weren’t the first appearing on the paper (perhaps it has something to do with the therapeutic nature of writing: it’s always better to write out the bad stuff and to some extent leave them there, while the good stuff happening to us is often overlooked when doing this kind of soul-cleaning type of writing, but wouldn’t it be better to put down those as well, so when they won’t be present in our lives at some point, we can still find our ways back to them this way – through our words?) But this is how our brain works, right? Even when we are swimming in the sea of happiness and gratitude, we still manage to find those few (otherwise insignificant) fishes of negative thoughts and feelings. When what we should do is just to enjoy the warmth of the water – not fishing. We should leave fishing for the times when the riptide of uncontrollable external forces takes us to the ice-cold sea called Bad Stuff: it’s rather logical to look for positivity-fishes there, right? (Sometimes I have to laugh on my own similes. I mean, positivity-fishes, seriously? This is ridiculous.) But you see my point here, right?
So now let’s analyse the vicious fishes of my mind:
- This surprised me the most. Or maybe actually not that much: I mean, is it surprising that the first thing that popped up in my mind to the question regarding my feelings is.. guys? Now I’m gonna discuss it only in general, I’m not going into concrete details, therefore the plural. It reminds me of a part from Eat, Pray, Love when the author’s psychologist friend talks about a time when she was asked to offer psychological counseling for refugees. She was daunted by the task, because these people went through horrible things (genocide, starvation, relatives murdered before their eyes, refugee camps) – she didn’t know how could she relate to their sufferings and help these people? So she was greatly surprised when she found out what they really wanted to talk about: “I met this guy at the refugee camp, I thought he really loved me, but then we got separated on the boat, he hooked up with another girl, but now he said that he really loves me and he keeps calling me, they are married now, what should I do? I still love him” and it was all they wanted to know.
But this is the way we are. All drunk on the idea of love. And no matter how many times you get disenchanted with this kind of drug or how many times you go to rehab – you will get drunk again anyway: because that’s how this cycle works.
I’m just like anybody else. I’m just like you. With the same dumb needs and desires. I like to be single and sometimes I’d like not to be. And that’s okay. Just like the Smiths song goes: “I am human and I need to be loved, just like anybody else” – yep. This confession doesn’t makes me weak, unlike those who are unable to admit this simple fact – that we need to be loved physically and emotionally as well -, and are saying all the time: “I don’t need a boyfriend, I’m a strong independent woman.” Yeah, and you just came alive from a Beyoncé song. Well, I’ve got bad news honey: if you can’t keep your personal independence and this status in a relationship as well, I pity you more than I admire you for this incredibly powerful statement. “I don’t need a girlfriend, I don’t want a serious relationship right now.” Everytime somebody drops a statement like this, I can’t help to have the feeling that with this confident denial they only prove the opposite of it. I mean, if this would be really true, like really-really true, than it could be performed in a less defensive context as well. Just sayin’..
I’m not saying that I don’t need a relationship. Just like I’m not saying that I need one. I only say that I’m open. Open to others as well as to myself. So many people underestimate the relationship you have with yourself – whereas that’s where all the other relationships start.
2. This has to do with writing, but it can be related with the above mentioned self-relationship as well. Have you ever thought about how many thoughts cross our minds daily? Thousands. (This is scientifically proved.) And we don’t even realize the majority of them. Primarily I like to write based on my own thoughts and when I asked myself what do I feel, I felt restless that I can only catch a tiny fraction of this thought-mine. Sometimes it works, and many-many times it doesn’t. And when it doesn’t, it looks like this: “What do you think about now?” I ask myself. And the answer goes: Nothing. “C’moon, try harder brain!” Okay.. uhm, pizza. Gosh, I’d like some pizza. “Don’t mess around with me, be serious please!” Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll try. French fries! I’d like some french fries, too!
Damn it. This can be harder than you would imagine. Not that I want to be the 21st century Virginia Woolf, but this is a great writing practice. Just don’t do it when you’re hungry.
I’ve just found a quote while writing/thinking which perfectly illustrates the point of these In The Mirror posts: “I must be an emotional archaeologist because I keep looking for the roots of things, particularly the roots of behavior and why I feel certain ways about certain things.”
So that’s how it’s gonna be: I do some archaeological research under my skin, in my thoughts and feelings, and try to dig deeper and deeper. And you, Dear Readers can be part of it: and perhaps, find something during the research as well.